In the Depths of Sorrow…


My last post was in October of 2014. In that time, a world of changes have occurred. We moved to a bigger home. The kids adjusted to school. BabyBoy is now a preschooler, and has made so much progress.

Life has been good, and it left me in a better place to deal with the blow I am coping with now.

Our eldest had asked for either a kitten, a puppy, or a baby for her birthday this year, and the Mister and I delivered an emphatic “NO!” to all three.

Joke was on us, we found out the day after her birthday that I was pregnant with our fourth child. We were terrified, but after a couple of hours, we began to talk about it, and we grew excited. I was looking forward to this being a happy, healthy pregnancy. I bought prenatal vitamins. Iron. Was eating well and only having periodic nausea.

48 hours later on the 19th, everything began to unravel. My life became a routine of heading to the hospital every 48 hours for bloodwork and scans. It was a yo-yo of “We think you’re having an ectopic pregnancy”, “Oh everything seems fine! Congratulations!”

I will not go into all the numbers, the findings…the rollercoaster, as I have come to call it. But on April 29th, after a promising rally, came the drop that broke my heart. I miscarried my baby at 7 weeks and a couple days. The rainbow I had seen after dinner the night before had not been a sign of hope…it was a goodbye.

And since then, the ride has not stopped. With other losses…I didn’t know the joy of motherhood (and the frustration), I didn’t see anything on a screen.

This has hit me hard and left me desperately treading water in a wide open sea. People said “At least you were early”, and  “Be thankful for the children you have”. I want to punch everyone who says that to me in the face. If you’ve said it to me, I’ve wanted to punch you. Please don’t take it personal. I understand you don’t know what to say. Hell, I don’t know what to say.

I need to be honest, and please know that I’m not saying anything against anyone. Everyone has been so wonderful, caring and supportive. I need to make that clear.

And yet despite all of that, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life. I know I did nothing wrong, and yet guilt kills me. I had drank wine the night before I found out I was pregnant. I had this wonderful little life in me, I got to see that on the screen…and I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t nurture him, and all the love in the world couldn’t save him, keep him with me. My sheer force of will was not enough, and I feel like I have utterly failed my child. I have my good days. Mother’s Day was a good day. The sun finally came out. I named him. I had a name to attach to my agony. Dominic Charles.

I wrote him letters, I cried so many tears that I ran out of them and sat there sobbing without my cheeks getting wet. He wasn’t planned, but I wanted him, loved him with all my heart the moment I saw those two lines. To see the fetal pole (the baby, for those not familiar with the term), and no heartbeat…please beat. Please flicker. I begged in my head, prayed with all my heart.

Nobody warned me about the aftermath. My previous miscarriage was different. Everything was taken from my body. This one, I opted to let my body take over. Nobody told me that the thought of flushing the toilet would cripple me with guilt, nobody prepared me to deal with the sight of baby clothes, newborns, diaper commercials. Going past the hospital makes my throat ache from the lump that forms. No one prepared me for the anger I feel at knowing that I should have been holding a beautiful new baby in my arms this Christmas, knowing the joys and pains of motherhood, and looking forward to having another join the ride of life…and having it all taken away. I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I loved him so much, why wasn’t that enough? But if love could keep all our babies here, there’d be no grieving mothers.

No. I’m not dealing. I have days where I am okay. And I have days like today where opening a packet of information and resources for perinatal loss brought the pain back as harsh and as hard as it was the day I knew it was all over. A part of me is still struggling. Maybe to some it was as simple as “Merry was pregnant and now she isn’t anymore”.

To me, to my heart, it isn’t that simple. It will never be that simple. I had two lines. I watched my baby start to form. The sac, the fetal pole…I watched it all happen, and I am so angry, heartbroken, and sad because I couldn’t save him. Don’t tell me I can have another. Don’t tell me he was ‘defective’ or ‘chromosomal defects are the leading cause of miscarriage’ or ‘maybe it didn’t plant right in the womb’. I know all of this and none of it matters to me, none of it comforts me or helps me justify things, because no matter what, he was my child, and I’ve lost him. You don’t have to know what to say. Trust me, nothing will ease the pain. Just ask me what I need. A hug.

We Have Moved!!!


ABMF is now in dotcom form! Please visit us at: http://www.babymakesfive.com!

I will no longer post on this site, but will keep it up for now until I am sure that I’ve successfully migrated everything from here over to the new site. Please make sure to update your bookmarks!

Why People Like Sephiroth…


sephiroth, ffvii, final fantasy 7, kefka, villain, bad guys, sony, playstation, sympathy for the devil, video games, rpg, yu yevon, ffx, ffvi, final fantasy, square, square enix, Lucrecia, Aerith, Aeris

Hi, I’m Sephiroth. I have a big sword and even bigger mommy issues.

(I really want to give a shout to anyone who’s come here from the Addicted 2 Final Fantasy Facebook page…it was honestly reading through all the community interaction that inspired me to branch out from ‘mom posts’ and write about something I like to do that has nothing to do with being a mommy or a domestic diva. I know I’m not the only mom who likes to play video games, so if you weren’t referred to this post by them, you should definitely go check them out.)

Um, Merry? You’re a mommy blogger, yeah? So what’s up with this post?

While most of my blogs have focused on life as a mom, I also have hobbies, and among them is a love of the Final Fantasy series. Final Fantasy 7 was the first one I played, and since then, I have played nearly every title in the series, and loved most of them.

Final Fantasy 7 is one of the most widely-recognized titles in the series. Each game has a plot, and of course, a bad guy. Kefka Palazzo from Final Fantasy 6 is arguably one of the most insane, yet successful villains, as he manages to royally mess up the world before he is eliminated. Yet in countless polls, forums, etc, it is Sephiroth who nabs the majority of the ‘bad guy crowns’…people hate him. People love him. Why?  Continue reading

You’re Pregnant!


motherhood, first time mom, baby, infant, children, kids, vaccine,vaccination, autism, life, pregnancy

Yes. You ARE.

No, I am not pregnant. Maybe you are, and maybe this just might be your first baby…congratulations!! Becoming a mom for the first time (and second, third, etc.) is an amazing, life-changing experience! I know, I know…everyone says that. If you had a dollar for every time someone said it to you, amirite?  Continue reading

Robin Williams…


robin williams, rip, suicide, depression, mental health

Rest in Peace, Robin Williams
1951-2014

Robin Williams was found dead in his home yesterday, of an apparent suicide. It’s well-known that he struggled through his life with severe depression. There are very few celebrities that I have felt sorrow as if I almost knew them, but Robin is one of them. I grew up on his movies, and when I’d become an adult, I appreciated his dramatic roles and his very ‘grown-up’ stand-up comedy. I was shocked and saddened to read of his passing. Continue reading

Yes, I am a “Mommy Blogger”…


In exactly that order. I am a mommy first and a blogger second.

I hope you have all been enjoying your summer. I have been spending lots of time with my kids, preparing for the very real possibility that all three will be in school in the fall.

ToddlerBoy might be accepted into our school district’s preschool program. This would be an enormous benefit for him, so please keep your fingers crossed for us on that. KinderGirl is going into first grade, and SchoolGirl is entering fourth grade.

July was a rather…eventful…month, in which I was bitten by a brown recluse, lost a friend, and spent lots of time playing with the kids. August is gearing up to be just as busy.

If you are contacting me about product reviews, please keep in mind that turnaround times might be a little longer than usual unless there is a firm deadline.

I will be back to regular blogging in a fairly short amount of time. Until then, be safe and stay cool.

*Merry*

Everyone Needs Sleep…


Sleep…most of us love it, everyone needs it…so why is it all too common to hear “I am so tired”? Many of us do not get enough sleep each night. The average range for what qualifies as ‘enough sleep’ is from 7.5 – 9 hours per night for an adult over 18. There are some people with a genetic factor that allows their bodies to function fine on six hours, but that’s only about 3% of the population. Even though some people swear they only need four or five hours, it’s been shown that they are setting themselves up for the effects of long-term sleep deprivation. Continue reading