I loved you before I knew you…

*An email I wrote to BabyBoy…I had written similar letters to my daughters, but they have vanished…but I will rewrite them and keep them safe this time…*
Dear Bean,
Yes, I still call you Bean, you sweet, adorable, perfect child…
Right now, in my sleep-deprived state, it’s hard for me to see the end of the tunnel when the only way you’ll sleep for more than 10 minutes is curled up on my chest. But I know that with the arrival of a full-night’s sleep, the ‘frog stage’, where you curl up on my chest and burrow your head into my neck and shoulder, will begin to vanish along with it.
It gives me a lot of time to think, and I also have a point with this, so bear with me…
Parenting, much like life, is a double-edged sword. On one hand, I’ll gain a full night of sleep, and once more become a well-rested Mommy. On the other hand, one of my favorite parts of infancy, your constant need to hear my heartbeat, my voice, and be near near enough to me that you can smell me, will start to fade away, and by the time you’re 2, it will be gone and my baby boy will start to become my independent son.
Life carries a lot of the same pros and cons that go, unfortunately, hand in hand. You will always have a family that loves and supports you, no matter what, even though at times we might not like the things you do…don’t worry, you’ll dislike the things we do at times. But sometimes you will meet people who will judge you without knowing you, and will voice their opinions quite…loudly. These people will judge you based on how you look, how you act, what you believe or don’t believe, everything.
I was teased a lot during my growing up years. It was rough, and my peers were cruel. But not all of them were so horrible…I made friends with people who loved and accepted me for who I was. They didn’t care I was fat. They didn’t care that I knew a lot of things. And even though I had these wonderful people, I still wrestled with insecurity, self-loathing, and doubt, the scars of which still remain…physically and emotionally.
People will tell you that you are not good enough, for whatever reason. Please believe that they are lying. Never let anyone tell you that you are anything ‘less’. You are perfect, you are human, and you will have your flaws, but you are wonderful because you are my son. Like your sisters, you are the very sum of all the hopes and dreams of your father and me.
I have wanted you from the moment my mother placed my newborn baby brother (your Uncle Chance), in my arms when I was 10 years old. You will probably find out that you were not planned. Do not take this to mean you were not wanted…because you are wanted. Neither of your sisters were planned, and they are very cherished, very wanted, very loved, just like you.
People are cruel, and they mock things that they don’t understand, or are jealous of. I know this may not be much comfort when someone’s words cut you to your very soul, but it’s true. I was told the same thing once…it didn’t help much, but I wasn’t told often enough how loved I was. I will tell you until the cows come home, I will shout it from the mountaintop, I will fly a plane and write it in the sky…you are loved simply because you are my son, my child, my heart. You, your sisters, and your daddy form all the pieces of my heart and soul. You are all my “something bigger” to be the best I can be for. 
I have no idea what kind of person you will become, but I do know that you are the son of Daddy and I, and we’re good people. We may not have life figured out, Daddy might not be Johnny Depp and I might not be Angelina Jolie, but we’re good people and we have an infinite supply of love for you and your sisters.
As your mother, I promise to always support your choices (unless they are illegal, immoral, or dangerous, in which case neither I nor Daddy will hesitate to talk with you about), be an understanding shoulder to cry on (I will never tell you to suck it up, that boys don’t cry, because that’s not true. If you have good cause to cry, then cry.), I will always believe in you even when it seems nobody else does.
You will make mistakes, and that’s okay. Mistakes are how we learn important lessons. I will always be here to be a safe haven from the fallout before gently nudging you back into the ring to handle it. I love you unconditionally.
When people cut you down, I will help you build yourself back up.
Never forget that you are my child, and you and your sisters are blessed with the potential to do great things in this life.
I love you, forever and always.
Love, Mommy

One response to “I loved you before I knew you…

  1. mommysaidaswearword

    This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. .

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