So I haven’t been writing as much as I was hoping to, the holidays were busy, and I have been dealing with all the lovely pregnancy things.
As most of you probably know, this is a rainbow baby for me. I found out I was pregnant exactly five months to the day after I found out I was pregnant…a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage.
I have gone through feelings and emotional episodes that put the feelings and emotional episodes of my other pregnancies to shame, made them look like pure child’s play. I thought I would feel better when I passed the point at which I miscarried in April…and I did, but then I was like “Okay, I need to get to 12 weeks. Surely I’ll feel better then.”
Nope. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. No article, all of which were well written and very helpful, prepared me for this, though they all seemed to be along the line of “It’s normal to be afraid during a rainbow pregnancy.”
But what I was feeling had to be so much more than fear, right? I mean…every pang was impending doom in my mind. I was terrified to poop. There. I said it. Not one article I read, and I read a lot, prepared me for the sheer terror of going number 2.
Every woman who’s been pregnant knows there are a lot of gross things about being pregnant. No one told me that each and every one would cause panic in me. And then….as I got farther along, I thought I would feel better after I felt movement. Nope. Because then, I found out my placenta was anterior, meaning that movement would be muffled. So I’d feel movement…and then days would go by. I’d freak out.
The Mister said to me once that I went off the deep end after my miscarriage. I don’t remember. I only remember pain. Sorrow. I remember that showers became more difficult because during the whole ordeal, I had cried in the shower. I could cry in the shower even more than I could cry in front of him, or the kids…oh I tried so hard not to let them see me cry. But Autumn took it hard. We cried together a couple of times.
I once went a week and a half without a shower after I stopped bleeding. I’m not proud of it and I washed up in certain areas on schedule. But when the Mister asked why, I offered up the weak explanation of “I forgot”. I hadn’t forgotten. I just simply could not tell him that I had spent every shower since the miscarriage sobbing until I could hardly breathe, and that I was so very tired of crying. I never expected him to grieve like I was, but it still hurt that he seemed not to. It was later that I stopped to think how hard it must have been for him, because he couldn’t make it any easier for me, and I’m sure he mourned in his own way, but everything happened so fast that I can’t blame him for not having enough time to get adjust to the idea of a baby, let alone mourn what was, in his mind, still a concept and not a tangibility.
The first several weeks of my rainbow pregnancy were filled with the same testing, the same trips to the doc for labs…and no one told me showers would be traumatic again. Every time I got in the shower, I broke down in tears, despite the fact that everything was going, by all signs, very well. I wish I had known that every bit of good news would have me paranoid that something would go wrong. Surely something had to be wrong if all I was getting was good news. I was waiting for “blah blah good news…but…blah blah bad news”.
I didn’t expect that it would be me who would be the pessimist, and the Mister who became optimist and cheerleader. Don’t worry, he’d say, things will be different this time. It was he who would, when I was lost in the paranoia and fear that something would go wrong, remind me that every single sign pointed to everything going beautifully. But I really have to give credit where it’s due here, he’s been the biggest comfort to me.
So I have been dealing and coping with that, and things are slowly getting better. I’m allowing myself to accept and believe that he will be coming, that he is beautiful, and that he is already so very loved, our little surprise rainbow.
He…that’s right, we will be welcoming another boy to our family in May.