Category Archives: Children

I Was Not Prepared For the Rainbow Pregnancy…


So I haven’t been writing as much as I was hoping to, the holidays were busy, and I have been dealing with all the lovely pregnancy things.

As most of you probably know, this is a rainbow baby for me. I found out I was pregnant exactly five months to the day after I found out I was pregnant…a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage.

I have gone through feelings and emotional episodes that put the feelings and emotional episodes of my other pregnancies to shame, made them look like pure child’s play. I thought I would feel better when I passed the point at which I miscarried in April…and I did, but then I was like “Okay, I need to get to 12 weeks. Surely I’ll feel better then.”

Nope. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. No article, all of which were well written and very helpful, prepared me for this, though they all seemed to be along the line of “It’s normal to be afraid during a rainbow pregnancy.” Continue reading

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The Rainbow after the Storm…


My last post was very difficult to write, and shared a very, very hurtful thing that I am still finding myself coping with.

On April 17th, 2016, I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child. I enjoyed the news for 48 hours. On the 19th began ten days of constant blood level monitoring and ultrasounds. I watched my baby develop a sac, a fetal pole…and then he died. On April 29th, I began to miscarry.  Continue reading

In the Depths of Sorrow…


My last post was in October of 2014. In that time, a world of changes have occurred. We moved to a bigger home. The kids adjusted to school. BabyBoy is now a preschooler, and has made so much progress.

Life has been good, and it left me in a better place to deal with the blow I am coping with now.

Our eldest had asked for either a kitten, a puppy, or a baby for her birthday this year, and the Mister and I delivered an emphatic “NO!” to all three.

Joke was on us, we found out the day after her birthday that I was pregnant with our fourth child. We were terrified, but after a couple of hours, we began to talk about it, and we grew excited. I was looking forward to this being a happy, healthy pregnancy. I bought prenatal vitamins. Iron. Was eating well and only having periodic nausea.

48 hours later on the 19th, everything began to unravel. My life became a routine of heading to the hospital every 48 hours for bloodwork and scans. It was a yo-yo of “We think you’re having an ectopic pregnancy”, “Oh everything seems fine! Congratulations!”

I will not go into all the numbers, the findings…the rollercoaster, as I have come to call it. But on April 29th, after a promising rally, came the drop that broke my heart. I miscarried my baby at 7 weeks and a couple days. The rainbow I had seen after dinner the night before had not been a sign of hope…it was a goodbye.

And since then, the ride has not stopped. With other losses…I didn’t know the joy of motherhood (and the frustration), I didn’t see anything on a screen.

This has hit me hard and left me desperately treading water in a wide open sea. People said “At least you were early”, and  “Be thankful for the children you have”. I want to punch everyone who says that to me in the face. If you’ve said it to me, I’ve wanted to punch you. Please don’t take it personal. I understand you don’t know what to say. Hell, I don’t know what to say.

I need to be honest, and please know that I’m not saying anything against anyone. Everyone has been so wonderful, caring and supportive. I need to make that clear.

And yet despite all of that, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life. I know I did nothing wrong, and yet guilt kills me. I had drank wine the night before I found out I was pregnant. I had this wonderful little life in me, I got to see that on the screen…and I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t nurture him, and all the love in the world couldn’t save him, keep him with me. My sheer force of will was not enough, and I feel like I have utterly failed my child. I have my good days. Mother’s Day was a good day. The sun finally came out. I named him. I had a name to attach to my agony. Dominic Charles.

I wrote him letters, I cried so many tears that I ran out of them and sat there sobbing without my cheeks getting wet. He wasn’t planned, but I wanted him, loved him with all my heart the moment I saw those two lines. To see the fetal pole (the baby, for those not familiar with the term), and no heartbeat…please beat. Please flicker. I begged in my head, prayed with all my heart.

Nobody warned me about the aftermath. My previous miscarriage was different. Everything was taken from my body. This one, I opted to let my body take over. Nobody told me that the thought of flushing the toilet would cripple me with guilt, nobody prepared me to deal with the sight of baby clothes, newborns, diaper commercials. Going past the hospital makes my throat ache from the lump that forms. No one prepared me for the anger I feel at knowing that I should have been holding a beautiful new baby in my arms this Christmas, knowing the joys and pains of motherhood, and looking forward to having another join the ride of life…and having it all taken away. I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I loved him so much, why wasn’t that enough? But if love could keep all our babies here, there’d be no grieving mothers.

No. I’m not dealing. I have days where I am okay. And I have days like today where opening a packet of information and resources for perinatal loss brought the pain back as harsh and as hard as it was the day I knew it was all over. A part of me is still struggling. Maybe to some it was as simple as “Merry was pregnant and now she isn’t anymore”.

To me, to my heart, it isn’t that simple. It will never be that simple. I had two lines. I watched my baby start to form. The sac, the fetal pole…I watched it all happen, and I am so angry, heartbroken, and sad because I couldn’t save him. Don’t tell me I can have another. Don’t tell me he was ‘defective’ or ‘chromosomal defects are the leading cause of miscarriage’ or ‘maybe it didn’t plant right in the womb’. I know all of this and none of it matters to me, none of it comforts me or helps me justify things, because no matter what, he was my child, and I’ve lost him. You don’t have to know what to say. Trust me, nothing will ease the pain. Just ask me what I need. A hug.

You’re Pregnant!


motherhood, first time mom, baby, infant, children, kids, vaccine,vaccination, autism, life, pregnancy

Yes. You ARE.

No, I am not pregnant. Maybe you are, and maybe this just might be your first baby…congratulations!! Becoming a mom for the first time (and second, third, etc.) is an amazing, life-changing experience! I know, I know…everyone says that. If you had a dollar for every time someone said it to you, amirite?  Continue reading

Yes, I am a “Mommy Blogger”…


In exactly that order. I am a mommy first and a blogger second.

I hope you have all been enjoying your summer. I have been spending lots of time with my kids, preparing for the very real possibility that all three will be in school in the fall.

ToddlerBoy might be accepted into our school district’s preschool program. This would be an enormous benefit for him, so please keep your fingers crossed for us on that. KinderGirl is going into first grade, and SchoolGirl is entering fourth grade.

July was a rather…eventful…month, in which I was bitten by a brown recluse, lost a friend, and spent lots of time playing with the kids. August is gearing up to be just as busy.

If you are contacting me about product reviews, please keep in mind that turnaround times might be a little longer than usual unless there is a firm deadline.

I will be back to regular blogging in a fairly short amount of time. Until then, be safe and stay cool.

*Merry*

Are You Content with Life?


Happiness, content, life, joy, satisfaction, children, family, friends, motherhood, self-esteem, significant other, spouse, husband, boyfriend, love, inner peace, peace

There is a huge difference between being happy with life and being content with life. Being happy with life seems, to me at least, to be a dynamic state of being that can change from day to day. There have been many times where I haven’t been happy with life. I’m sure any other human being could say the same. Being content with life is more concrete, less prone to change from one day to the next. Continue reading

Love as a Catalyst…


motherhood, children, parenthood,love,unconditional love, life,

A baby and her newb mother. 🙂

(Note: As it seems to be going with blog posts lately, this was written yesterday. Meant to post it yesterday too, but that didn’t happen, haha.)

Today, as with two other days each year, I am given reason to pause and reflect. Given that two of these days fall less than 3 weeks apart, I feel inspired to write. There is a cake baking in the oven (NOT A BUN! A literal cake. There are no buns, or plans to have buns, in the oven at any point in the near future.), ToddlerBoy is napping, I am fresh and clean. In other words, I have some rare downtime, and I’d like to share my thoughts with you. Continue reading