Category Archives: Pregnancy

I Was Not Prepared For the Rainbow Pregnancy…


So I haven’t been writing as much as I was hoping to, the holidays were busy, and I have been dealing with all the lovely pregnancy things.

As most of you probably know, this is a rainbow baby for me. I found out I was pregnant exactly five months to the day after I found out I was pregnant…a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage.

I have gone through feelings and emotional episodes that put the feelings and emotional episodes of my other pregnancies to shame, made them look like pure child’s play. I thought I would feel better when I passed the point at which I miscarried in April…and I did, but then I was like “Okay, I need to get to 12 weeks. Surely I’ll feel better then.”

Nope. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. No article, all of which were well written and very helpful, prepared me for this, though they all seemed to be along the line of “It’s normal to be afraid during a rainbow pregnancy.” Continue reading

The Rainbow after the Storm…


My last post was very difficult to write, and shared a very, very hurtful thing that I am still finding myself coping with.

On April 17th, 2016, I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child. I enjoyed the news for 48 hours. On the 19th began ten days of constant blood level monitoring and ultrasounds. I watched my baby develop a sac, a fetal pole…and then he died. On April 29th, I began to miscarry.  Continue reading

In the Depths of Sorrow…


My last post was in October of 2014. In that time, a world of changes have occurred. We moved to a bigger home. The kids adjusted to school. BabyBoy is now a preschooler, and has made so much progress.

Life has been good, and it left me in a better place to deal with the blow I am coping with now.

Our eldest had asked for either a kitten, a puppy, or a baby for her birthday this year, and the Mister and I delivered an emphatic “NO!” to all three.

Joke was on us, we found out the day after her birthday that I was pregnant with our fourth child. We were terrified, but after a couple of hours, we began to talk about it, and we grew excited. I was looking forward to this being a happy, healthy pregnancy. I bought prenatal vitamins. Iron. Was eating well and only having periodic nausea.

48 hours later on the 19th, everything began to unravel. My life became a routine of heading to the hospital every 48 hours for bloodwork and scans. It was a yo-yo of “We think you’re having an ectopic pregnancy”, “Oh everything seems fine! Congratulations!”

I will not go into all the numbers, the findings…the rollercoaster, as I have come to call it. But on April 29th, after a promising rally, came the drop that broke my heart. I miscarried my baby at 7 weeks and a couple days. The rainbow I had seen after dinner the night before had not been a sign of hope…it was a goodbye.

And since then, the ride has not stopped. With other losses…I didn’t know the joy of motherhood (and the frustration), I didn’t see anything on a screen.

This has hit me hard and left me desperately treading water in a wide open sea. People said “At least you were early”, and  “Be thankful for the children you have”. I want to punch everyone who says that to me in the face. If you’ve said it to me, I’ve wanted to punch you. Please don’t take it personal. I understand you don’t know what to say. Hell, I don’t know what to say.

I need to be honest, and please know that I’m not saying anything against anyone. Everyone has been so wonderful, caring and supportive. I need to make that clear.

And yet despite all of that, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone in my life. I know I did nothing wrong, and yet guilt kills me. I had drank wine the night before I found out I was pregnant. I had this wonderful little life in me, I got to see that on the screen…and I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t nurture him, and all the love in the world couldn’t save him, keep him with me. My sheer force of will was not enough, and I feel like I have utterly failed my child. I have my good days. Mother’s Day was a good day. The sun finally came out. I named him. I had a name to attach to my agony. Dominic Charles.

I wrote him letters, I cried so many tears that I ran out of them and sat there sobbing without my cheeks getting wet. He wasn’t planned, but I wanted him, loved him with all my heart the moment I saw those two lines. To see the fetal pole (the baby, for those not familiar with the term), and no heartbeat…please beat. Please flicker. I begged in my head, prayed with all my heart.

Nobody warned me about the aftermath. My previous miscarriage was different. Everything was taken from my body. This one, I opted to let my body take over. Nobody told me that the thought of flushing the toilet would cripple me with guilt, nobody prepared me to deal with the sight of baby clothes, newborns, diaper commercials. Going past the hospital makes my throat ache from the lump that forms. No one prepared me for the anger I feel at knowing that I should have been holding a beautiful new baby in my arms this Christmas, knowing the joys and pains of motherhood, and looking forward to having another join the ride of life…and having it all taken away. I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I loved him so much, why wasn’t that enough? But if love could keep all our babies here, there’d be no grieving mothers.

No. I’m not dealing. I have days where I am okay. And I have days like today where opening a packet of information and resources for perinatal loss brought the pain back as harsh and as hard as it was the day I knew it was all over. A part of me is still struggling. Maybe to some it was as simple as “Merry was pregnant and now she isn’t anymore”.

To me, to my heart, it isn’t that simple. It will never be that simple. I had two lines. I watched my baby start to form. The sac, the fetal pole…I watched it all happen, and I am so angry, heartbroken, and sad because I couldn’t save him. Don’t tell me I can have another. Don’t tell me he was ‘defective’ or ‘chromosomal defects are the leading cause of miscarriage’ or ‘maybe it didn’t plant right in the womb’. I know all of this and none of it matters to me, none of it comforts me or helps me justify things, because no matter what, he was my child, and I’ve lost him. You don’t have to know what to say. Trust me, nothing will ease the pain. Just ask me what I need. A hug.

We Have Moved!!!


ABMF is now in dotcom form! Please visit us at: http://www.babymakesfive.com!

I will no longer post on this site, but will keep it up for now until I am sure that I’ve successfully migrated everything from here over to the new site. Please make sure to update your bookmarks!

You’re Pregnant!


motherhood, first time mom, baby, infant, children, kids, vaccine,vaccination, autism, life, pregnancy

Yes. You ARE.

No, I am not pregnant. Maybe you are, and maybe this just might be your first baby…congratulations!! Becoming a mom for the first time (and second, third, etc.) is an amazing, life-changing experience! I know, I know…everyone says that. If you had a dollar for every time someone said it to you, amirite?  Continue reading

The Issues: The A-word, part II


(Or, in which Merry peacefully confronts the people holding the gruesome sign outside the women’s clinic.)

A rare treat for you, my dear readers. I say a treat, because I am a very non-confrontational person. I shy away from arguments, fights, etc, when it comes to people I don’t know. If you and I were to have an argument, it means I am comfortable with you.

Previously, I had posted about the people outside our local womens’ clinic. I’ve linked it, so if you haven’t read it, I highly advise you do so, because it pertains greatly to what I am about to say. I’ll wait here after the jump.  Continue reading

The Issues: The A-word


I don’t usually post about hot-button issues. You know what they are…the social/political/moral/ethical topics that, brought up at the wrong time, can rip apart even the best friendships/closest families/most loving partners. Today, I have been moved to speak on one.

Abortion. You’re either pro-life or pro-choice, according to most people on either side. I beg to differ. See, I am pro-choice…though I must confess that, as I age and progress in motherhood and life, and read more and more stories about women who do not practice safe sex and use abortion as their birth control, I get more and more in the view of “Even if it can’t be outlawed, gosh darn there need to be better regulations in place.” I think that it’s sad that some women can’t be bothered to take a pill every day, or, I don’t know…make him wrap it up for Pete’s sake…literally…(there is such a thing as Planned Parenthood for low-cost and/or free birth control) but seem to feel no qualms about getting an abortion every time they get knocked up.

Abortion would never be an option for me unless my life was in immediate danger. I have three children, and I have an obligation to them to kind of be alive to shepherd them through life. So yes, if my obstetrician told me “This is what’s going on with the baby you’re carrying (no, I am not pregnant at the present time), and your life is in very real, very probable danger if you continue this pregnancy”, I would, in all likelihood, terminate the pregnancy. Of course, I would get second and third opinions, but if it were to be reiterated that there was a very real and probably chance that the pregnancy would kill me, for whatever reason, be it something wrong with the baby, or something with my body, I would end my pregnancy. I would not do it with joy in my heart. I would be sad beyond belief, but I have three children who still need me to stick around. Continue reading